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Did I ever tell you about how I became a wizard headmaster?
Ever since I was a little boy in the slums of Pretoria, I dreamed that one day when I grew up I would become a wizard like Merlin or Gandalf, even though my parents told me I couldn't because I was so disadvantaged. But my dream never died. I worked from the age of 11, saving all the money I made and spending only for Christmas presents for my mother, chopping down trees in the forest and feeding elephants on the Bokubeko Range. My family lived in a box made of plywood, but I knew that despite my humble beginnings I could grow up to become the greatest wizard headmaster of all time.
I couldn't go to school until I had saved enough money to go to downtown Pretoria, to the Wizarding Community College, but at first they refused to believe that I could join them, that I did not have the ability to be a wizard like them. But I showed them that there's no limit to what black people can do, even in the dark days of Apartheid, when every night that I was out past 8 I was beaten by my father because the police hadn't found me first, but I needed to learn my lesson anyways. And still I worked at being a wizard. I was caught having an affair with one of the other male students, and the administration expelled me from the school. But I was determined to prove that my sexual orientation would not influence my career as a wizard, so I moved out of the country. I never saw my family again.
I boarded a cargo liner bound for Perth, on board of which an itinerant wizard agreed to teach me some spells. But when we actually met he refused to go on, because he felt that I as a midget was not worth educating. So I declared to him, "Just because I am a dwarf does not mean that I am any less a wizard than you are!" And so I set off to prove to the world that, despite being a midget, I too could become a wizard.
In Australia I managed to enter the main wizarding school, Burrombuttock Academy, and began to perform to my abilities. I wrote a postcard home to my family, sure they would be proud that I was at a wizarding school at last despite having to overcome so many hardships. But then the Academy discovered that I was a nudist, and had no choice but to tell me to move on. I was devastated to have come such a long way and to be disappointed, so I pressed on to England, where I secured an appointment with Albus Dumbledore.
"My goodness," he said, with a twinkle in his eye, as we first met. "I have never seen anyone quite like you." That was his way of saying I was remarkable. And he took me to the Hogwarts School. All the students laughed and said I wouldn't be able to make it, since I spoke with such a ridiculous accent, but I came to prove that even a foreigner could do well at the wizarding school. I overcame my disadvantage. Then they said that I would never be able to play Quidditch, because of my morbid obesity. But I showed them that there's no limit to what morbidly obese people can do, and continued in my quest to prove that even someone as unique as me could become a wizarding headmaster. I was picked on by my fellow students, rolled down hallways, ridden down staircases, but I persevered. I would prove to them what I could do.
Then they found out that I was a Scientologist, and they hurt me. Or they tried to hurt me, inside, but all they hurt were my temporary feelings. I know Xenu will take care of them. I take strength in my e-meter readings, and was able to persist in my quest. All the other students made fun of me, but I wanted to show them that there's no limit to what Scientologists can do, and continued in my quest to prove that even someone as unique as me could become a great wizard.
Before my second year at Hogwarts I had a sex change and became a lesbian. When I returned to school that year the prejudice was intense, because the fellow students were so insensitive to me, but I took pride in my heritage, and glorified in my existence as an individual. And I persisted, to prove to the world just what someone like me could do, even in today's society. And even as the pressure grew and turmoil increased and the other Hufflepuffs made fun of me I absolutely refused to pluck my unibrow.
Then one day Albus Dumbledore called me into my office and said that he had noticed something. "Zachariah," he told me, softly, "it has come to my intention that you - well, you aren't exactly human," he told me, softly. "You're a goat, Zachariah, and some of the faculty wonder if we should allow a goat in this institution."
I calmly chewed on a sheaf of papers from his desk and replied, with the cold, steely glint of determination that every truly great man acquires in his lifetime, "Goat or man, Hogwarts or not, I shall persist until I am the greatest wizard headmaster on Earth." And Dumbledore smiled, patted my head, and told me that his school would never get in the way of my dreams.
I am living my dream.
I am a wizard headmaster now. I am the heir and successor of Albus Dumbledore, in fact. People said I couldn't do it. Everyone said that I couldn't do it. Just because I was a poor black gay lesbian nudist morbidly obese foreign Scientologist midget goat with a unibrow, people thought I couldn't accomplish my dreams. But I have. And I think it shows that there's no limit to what poor black gay lesbian nudist morbidly obese foreign Scientologist midget goats with unibrows can do - even being a wizard headmaster!
-Paradox Off-Topic Forum
